Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing to do, you say?

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

Cop: Sir…

I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-

Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING

I threw the ball too far during fetch

Cop: Fair enough

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him

Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

*hears someone breaking into my house*

Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

I basically called this earlier today

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

I just released my own fragrance.

Now everyone in the car is pissed off.

What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)

Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

Meow?

I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.