A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
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Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
*Seductively hides in the woods
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
be safe out there!
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you