Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*

CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?

ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month

facebook is down so i am having to improvise

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

My memoir is titled:

“#2 (not a sequel)”

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

if i had a bf i’d be a gf

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

You call the carnival ride dangerous.

I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*

Me: Why are you crying?!

Toddler: Because someone took my sock

Me: No one took your sock!

Toddler: Then where is it?!

Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity

The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm