Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”

-Ed, shearing

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”

Not recommended for beginners.

*serious situation*

My brain:

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw

mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm

mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm

me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.

Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway

babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.

3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!

Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party

wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous

me: hey, danger’s my middle name

daughter: WHAT?!?

son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!