Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?

Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic

[3 months later]

Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time

You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”

That’s discrimination.

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

incredible text to wake up to

My daughter wakes up everyday at
2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends