A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
You Might Also Like
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day