A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
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They’re called werewolves.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.