Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps

Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no

The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.

Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?

Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words

Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

Cop: why were you speeding

Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me

*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this

Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.