Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?

patient: yes, on my mother’s side

doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

god: who wants a bear?

usa: I want a black one

arctic: white for me

china: can I get a swirl

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.

Me: Literally me.

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:

“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be

Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”

Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”

Sleep well tonight, kid.