A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
You Might Also Like
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.