A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
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The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
He has no idea 🤡
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all