A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
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I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”