A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
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Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.