A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
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I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Uh oh…
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
an octopus is just a wet spider
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion