Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”

3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor

I deserve that.

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.

When a shoelace touches your ankle

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*

[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk

Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample

Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.

“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”

folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

#growingpains

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.