A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
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[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
In the Target toy aisles-
“No, please put that back”
“I said we aren’t buying anything today”
“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”
– and that’s just me to my husband
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
Halloween is great because it combines two of my favorite hobbies: driving out to a wet farm to handpick the heaviest inedible vegetable I can find, and taking my small disguised children out past their bedtimes to roam the streets in darkness
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.