A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
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My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Limited budget
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.