Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Send me pics

Girl: What you wanna see 😉

Me: Spiderman

Girl: What ?

Me:

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

God: I am the father of humanity.

Human: *changes climate*

God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.

apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks

17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed