Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

Top 5 Zones

5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal

me: help, my house is burning down!

mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it

Breaking news:

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.

If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.