A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
You Might Also Like
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.