A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
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I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.