A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
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I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
multitasking lunch
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
making bad rap music is committing crhymes.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Can you solve the riddle??
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO