A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
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My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.