A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
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Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury