A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
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I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night