Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

😩😩😩

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

Ghost: Death is coming for you

Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

Me: [to myself] ok, act cool

Crush: nice weather today

Me: thanks

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.

I know this now.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.