A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
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You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
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I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]