A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
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I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.