Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!

me: omg u think im pretty?

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Me: I’d like the French dip

Waiter: Au jus?

Me: No, Catholic

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.

[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol