A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
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for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Straight people are cancelled
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.