A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
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I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.