A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
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MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
⛄️
Always
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
romanian handyman I’ve known for two years came by today I said hey, how are you, he says “you do not need to say this”
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR