A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
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sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.