A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
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wtf management?!
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
every olympics i turn into this guy
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
babysitting a pair of twin babies rn and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane” idk just feels weird
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
My fantasy football season is going great
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas