Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.

Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.

4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

my buddy told me he was on a plane and they were like “is there a doctor on board” and he was like “im a paramedic” and they were like “no it’s ok we found a DOCTOR” and the doctor was like “uhhh i haven’t examined a patient since med school can we please bring the paramedic”

anyways turns out the person was just sleeping so everything was fine

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.

left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.

ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work

My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.