A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
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[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
So Hamburger help me, God
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Oddly specific
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.