A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.