A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
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“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.