A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
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I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.