A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
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Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do