A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
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My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Dishonest mechanic?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Not my job 😂
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.