A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
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My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Straight people are cancelled
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
oh shit
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
What number SPF blocks people?
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.