Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Personal question. #JustSaying

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.

(10 minutes later)

My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

[1st date]

So, what’s your back story?

“I have scoliosis”

No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history

“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”

*hops in time machine*

him: where ya going?

me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels

3yo: Let’s have a discussion.

Me: OK, about what?

3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!

Me: [being murdered]

Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.

I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.