a New Yorker reject, for you
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things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*