Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

*sleeping*

Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE

Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Cop: license and registration please.

Me: (gives cop both)

Cop: you drinking tonight?

Me: no.

Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.

[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!

Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered