a New Yorker reject, for you
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Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Friday night party time 🥳
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.