A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Personal question. #JustSaying
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions