A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
me: will you please pass the bee barf?
wife: please stop calling the honey that.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.