Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blew out my flip flop…

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.

-An Inner Monologue

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

😂😂

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.

So much to do right now

*cracks open beer*

So much to do tomorrow

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?

ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me

Me *whispers*: never again

Him: Will you marry me?

Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding