A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
A fake ID that makes you younger
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle