Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

My kitchen overserved me.

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!

*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*

*orders some*

The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”

Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look

My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”