A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Story of my life…..
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.