Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.

Me: Evil never sleeps

Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?

Me: They’re for my meeting at work.

Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?

Me: And?

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today

never deleting this app.

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

not to brag, but mine was free

Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

Couples therapist: what scares you the most?

Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other

Me: when the washing machine goes really fast

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music