A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
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I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.