A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
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*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
in college, i was on a first date with a guy and like 10 minutes into the convo he asks me if i would change my major to education so as to homeschool our future children. i was like wtf no way and now 15 years later he just looked at my linkedin profile.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman: