A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
So Hamburger help me, God
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Not even remotely sorry.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.