Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed

Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

Me: I’ll see you in court!

Waldo: will you

*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14

me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible

wife:

me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too

Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?

Sorry/Not Sorry

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.