Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good

ME: and?

DR. height and weight are both average for her age

ME: and?

DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal

ME: aaaaaaand?

DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore

ME: oh thank god

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

“We’ll call you” – OH NO

“You call us” – OH NO

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

😂🖐️

*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*