Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

[Me at the gym]

Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?

they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.