A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
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me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok