A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
You Might Also Like
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
a badder mouse
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time