A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

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Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?


My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.


Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives

Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life


“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”



The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.



y’all need jesus

*christmas ads start*

not like that


Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?


Me: Your move.