Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Why are they called Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Biology: The science of writing awesome bios.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Me: Your move.