A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
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I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
How funny!
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I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here