A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
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It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable