A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
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Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
pain
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future