A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
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attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
My work here is don’t.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no