A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
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I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
mood
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?