A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
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My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.