A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
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First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml