Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”

Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

Oops

Why font matters.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

💀 😭

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

Rich people don’t understand cereal