Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*