A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
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Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.