Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What you gotta buy from Target?

Her: Target will tell me when I get there

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?

Audience: *clapping*

Host: Sir, are you leaving?

Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Aww

me*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…

Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that