a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
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My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
this was the best i’ve ever seen
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.