A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*