A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I’m not proud
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.