A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
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Death certificates are our last participation award.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”