A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
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Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
HR: Please don’t begin all your letters with “Dearest….”
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”